It was gloomier than usual and expected, the day I waited for and the vacation I was planning to explode in after my father’s death.
No one will ever know what popped up in my mind, not even me but that insisting voice in my head calling me to obey..
And to call her to apologize, or text.. That won’t actually matter but the communication does so I called back then, 42 days ago I never realized I’m stuck until today..
I’m Jay, a solid stubborn who had that type of an experience you'd think you’re capable of controlling and handling its consequences no matter how unpleasant it might get till it ruins your stability and peace of mind.
After a good period of great massive humiliating fight I thought I’m all well off of her negativity.. You know it, Some people are toxic enough to have your energy drained then it’s just better to run or kick and I have never been wiser. Although, I’m waiting for the moment I’m finding out an answer for that goddamn force pushing on me to ask a psychopath to forgive how aggressive I was. Has she done something dark?
Low IQ could lead into misfortune and that might be a convincing reason.
Friends, family and society probably won't find it something realistic to believe.. Even me I would not have believed it if that wasn’t my own journey.. the obsession journey.
She has accepted my apology, no one who’s extremely obsessed with your existence will not get down for the sorry phrase, it was easier than pushing her away after cursing her a million times.
Two hours later, she showed up on the beach with cracking fingers, a beach dress and a swimsuit also.
Cool ..
Oh wait.. Also something, I thought.
.. Something I can’t identify out of the sun reflection.. Spots maybe?
.. Something I can’t identify out of the sun reflection.. Spots maybe?
Bruises? Bruises.
She has got brutal bruises on her knees.
She has got brutal bruises on her knees.
Not so cool..
And what.. oh OK, a Pentagram -similar to my all time main/favorite symbol- on her left thigh apparently carved with a blade.
I see, not cool at all..
Do we ask about actions clearly done out of mental illness while others around? No, we don’t. Gotta be patient in a nutshell I didn’t give a fuck knowing she’s a shithead and an immature. Maybe it even has stopped functioning as an adult. She’s supposedly 26 and no jokes but my life is becoming a bunch of unanswered questions as there are no doctors inside of the box. Getting into the point; I’m never surprised.. I don’t know but that’s just me. But considering what I have witnessed while we were still together in order to impress me is definitely a reason.
Yes. Her enduring attempts to impress me had me apathetic to be impressed.
Here comes the fun part.. the examples;
Why would anyone own an altar space if they're not a practitioner? No reason. But if you were her and had X in your life, you won’t actually need to know what altar space is but you’ll act like you have one already just because you saw a real one in X's lair. Because DUH X gonna be damn shook!
Poor her have known me for 8 months and never realized I wouldn’t be amazed by a candle accompanying a notebook she pretended to write in in a dark room. But unfortunately that wasn’t the worst part.. Not even close..
In a break of ours, I was enjoying not speaking to her clingy boring ass until I was hit by a message from a friend: “I’ll leave this and go”.
It took so long to load but I can still see the photo through all the blur before it’s open, it’s ME.
Yeah I know this photo of mine but I don’t know why would he pass it to me out of nowhere.. He may have explored it way too late. What a stoner!
But wait.. What..? the photo..
It’s now open.
WHAT the fuck? That is “her”.. what is that? Who is she? What is wrong with her? Who is she trying to be? Noway..
She’s trying to be me.
"I hate makeup.. It makes me feel heavy", she always said.
But what I see here right in the picture is typically my black eyeshadow and bold winged eyeliner, also a black lipstick with glasses on! Oh and that IG filter that always fits my shoots now perfectly fits her makeover.
Why so dusky? What the hell is the cutie pie trying to do?
I got to see the rest of the session and that was total bullshit. Scary shit finding myself and features all of a sudden within her everything. That’s my pose, that’s my hairstyle.. and that choker..she wears chokers now?! she never speaks but she always takes actions which gets it shadier.
 |
| A painting of her, representing her favorite human on earth. She called it "Jiz". |
Confronting had to be done; Sliding into conclusions and after all of the lies, heavy slow words spoken out of her mouth and some sad and superficial alibis .. "I did it because you love it, ok?" she replied out of sickness.
Not ok, Looking exactly like me in order to impress me is so not okay. Foolish me haven’t figured out that shit is deeper than the shit I only got to witness.
Days passed, lots of gifts received.. Pouring rain of presents that lost its meaning and value because they are more than I can handle.
It ain’t no about their amount, but their type is actually my next purchase. If I have band tees for RHCP, Testament, Pearl Jam and Marilyn Manson and I decided to get an additional one for PJ.. she definitely gets it for me and this happened while I have never ever mentioned it and this is one of the several telepresences.
Same goes for crystals, flowers, notebooks, candles, mugs, altar supplies and accessories.. she always knew.
And not referring to some uncanny activities going on, but my modest intuition thought she has been so hollow until I appeared with all of my surroundings.
She also listened to my music instead of hers, and used to share with me the time when I listened to DSBM… that genre no one could ever stood but her. She started obsessing over my music covers that included some stuff I’m not even proud of but apparently she had a point.
Spending days and nights at my lair, long times in my room observing and falling in love.. and how innocent of me never noticing what she’s pulling me into.
All of that is just separate than her need to consider me in anything related to her and only her, literally anything as she couldn't take a single decision without having me included in it way or another even though it’s totally up to her. She either does it the same way I’d do it or just count me in.. she even admitted it from time to time that it’s hard to get me out of her mind but she enjoys it.
I took my eyes off the pink Pentagram scar and after a short time I felt the shore up and down temperature causing me a headache so she offered me a basic painkiller, she took out that medical mid sized bottle full of different mixed pills and the guys kept mocking her about being non friendly nor talkative enough as it might be the reason why. She laughed so did I. I felt it might be offensive for her but taking an action makes it real.. we want to keep it a joke.
We went back to the chalet to get refreshed and continue the fun night. However, it was kind of a family chill night (not so fun).. so me and her decided tomorrow morning is a better day of ours after reconciliation so we gotta go to bed early.
Falling asleep before she does is something usual, I woke up after less than 2 hours of my sleep on her phone ringing and this is unusual because she always shared the room with me but I was never annoyed of her phone alarms but now it’s ringing right beside her head and she’s not even awake.
I silenced the interrupting device and tried going back to sleep but I failed so I got up and had a snack.. I went back to the room to use my towel in the dark and I was shocked by the extreme loud snoring voice I heard. I thought she’s dreaming so I turned on the lights to wake her up but she didn’t look ok or even seem sleeping.
She wasn’t sleeping steady on bed but she took a half angle pose with her eyes half open.. her arms are forward over her stomach taut tightly and raised a little and legs pulled so tight.
She made weird noises, screamed and she couldn’t wake up. We brought the emergency and she stayed in coma for 3 days straight.
Overdose they said, placebos with alcohol they said, a suicide attempt they said - referring to the bruises and scars over her body- but no one knew what was it exactly even the doctors.
On the fifth day I was already back to town, she texted me apologizing, thanking me, claiming she haven’t taken anything and that she has no clue what went wrong..
Crying and begging me to forgive her and to stay.. Begging me not to leave again.
Psychological abandonment in this case lead to the verbal meaning of “object of affection” and this definition doesn’t only mean the person you’ve got your emotive interest in, but object here refers to “target” as the sufferer won’t sleep, eat or focus on anything during the day without the concentration on the object of affection.
I got to understand more, a person who suffers from such a disorder is obsessed with the one they have unconsciously chosen and mostly want to become “them”.. love here could reach dangerous stages starting from admiration passing through severe obsession and in some cases it ends up hurting the person they’re obsessed with in case they’re incapable of having them.
The disorder also allows the patient to do something more advanced such as swallowing non edible item or a pill to keep the object’s attention even if it might lead to death and this would probably be after some bullying or an offensive situation they faced while their favorite person is around.. And it can’t be worse if their favorite person irresponsibly laughed on the silly joke.. and here was exactly where I remembered the medical bottle scene on the beach.
Theory says if they survive after a suicidal move, they’ll keep pursuing you that they’d never do or take anything stupid like an overdose while you are with them because they are the happiest when you are, as they need nothing more.
After continuous separate messages I haven’t answered she texted me: “I’m really sorry about everything that happened, but I would never take anything when I'm with you I swear because I’m the happiest when you are around.”
